How to teach self-trust

This is a wonderful way to explain how our parenting methods affect our children. I couldn’t put the whole quote into my graphic, so here it is.

“You can control your children

through threats and punishments

and they will learn to fear.

You can control their behavior

by praise and reward

and they will learn to look outside themselves

for approval and for worth.

You can watch over their every movement,

every action, every decision,

making sure they do it “right,”

and they will learn to always

doubt themselves.

Or you can love and guide

without controlling or interfering

and they will learn to trust themselves.”

Still reading The Parent’s Tao Te Ching by William Martin. Still enjoying it immensely.

Image credit: Jay Ryness

Happiness is contagious

I think it is very important for our children to see that we are passionate about things. I believe that we teach by example, and not by words only. Want your kid to be really interested in something? Are you interested in something yourself so he/she can see how happy it makes you?

There is really no point trying to instill a love for something specific in your child that you, yourself, don’t enjoy doing yourself. So, don’t even waste time. Lead by example, do something you love and let your kids notice and maybe even participate. Show them simple ways to find pleasure in doing things they enjoy. Happiness will follow.

Image credit: Jay Ryness (Flickr)

Childhood doesn’t last forever

I have to admit that there were times when I felt a bit tired of my son needing me too much too often. Like when he would always want to be carried or needed to hold my hand. Or how he would make me drop everything and sit and cuddle with him after his every nap. You know, little things that are perfectly fine unless you are also trying to take care of another child, and/or catch up on some other things.

But I never realized that it wouldn’t be like this forever, and one day he would need me less. I didn’t realize it until a couple of days ago when he didn’t run to me after his nap to get his hug. And then on our walk he didn’t hold my hand, but walked in front of me. You’d think I would be happy, right? Instead, I wanted to cry, I felt so sad that he was getting older and needed me less now. Now every time he runs to me for that hug, or wants to hold my hand, I enjoy every second of it, because NOW I know it won’t last forever.

Photo: Paul Joseph (Flickr)

If only spanking worked

I am always confused when I hear how some people claim that spanking children works in their family and with their kids. Note, it workS, not it workED. Every time their kid does something, he/she gets a spanking. There, problem solved. Then a child does that something again, and he gets spanked again. Problem solved again, right? Well, actually, if you really, really open up your mind and try to think about it, no, problem isn’t solved, and it doesn’t work. If it worked, you wouldn’t need to spank your kid for the same thing over and over again. You know why? If it really worked, your kid would only do that something once or twice, and THEN the problem would be solved.

You know what works though? Not trying to threaten, intimidate, and physically hurt your kids as a way of trying to get them to listen to you, but actually trying to make sure they understand what you are trying to do here. And how do people understand you and feel like cooperating with you? They do when you are being understanding, respectful, calm, reasonable, setting age-appropriate expectations, and patient. Not easy, I know, but oh so effective. Much more effective than your regular spanking method. Don’t believe me? Try it. 🙂

Less privacy, more love

When, out of desperation, I cried out to my kids to give me some sort of privacy when I am using a bathroom, at least once in a while, and try to use a different room for their games instead of always hanging out there when I am in there, my 3 y/o son had a puzzled look on his face. Then he proceeded to explain to me how he didn’t want me to be alone, because I could get lonely and sad, and might even cry, and he definitely didn’t want that for me.

I guess “No privacy” in my world means “Mom, we love you” in theirs. Well, if you put it that way, hmm, ok, I love you, too. After all, privacy is so overrated…once you’re a parent. 🙂

My peaceful parenting rant

Just saw some FOX News host repeatedly shake his belt in the faces of three experts sitting in his studio and trying to argue that spanking and hitting children is outdated, and modern parents should use more peaceful methods based on recent studies. And he just kept laughing and shaking his belt, and saying that he was spanked, beaten, punched in the face, etc., yet he is fine, not mentally scarred, and definitely has no problem with any parent doing what had been done to him. I was speechless. And shocked. Yes, shocked and speechless.

Just because something questionable had been done to you doesn’t mean it is right, and/or should be done to others. Is it clear?

Quote (Lionel Shriver)

I hate “but”s in expressing love for children. There should be no “but”. You love your kids, it is unconditional, there are no deal-breakers and no rules that a child might break and lose his parent’s affection. Period.

Photo: Spirit-Fire (Flickr)

Quote (Margaret Fuller)

Oh yes!!! Wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Photo: Tom Woodward (Flickr)

Me, my kids, and our cat.

So, we are having a picnic in our backyard, and then I notice that my 3 year old son is very articulately reprimanding our cat, shaking his finger in front of her nose and telling her to get her act together or she will get punished. No idea what happened between them, but I feel my heart starting to sink. You know how they say kids are always watching and listening, and then they repeat the pattern? So, here I am frantically rewinding my actions for the last couple of years trying to remember when I went wrong and promised to punish my kids. And…I can’t remember anything. I then turn to my son and ask if I ever promised to punish him, and if that is why he is talking that way to the cat now. His answer made me smile. Turns out he remembered that time last week when the cat was being very mean to a new kitten in the neighborhood, and I was not too happy and tried to explain it to our bully. I guess I might have used the words “punish”, not actually meaning it, of course. But hey, what do you know? Few days later and my son is talking to the cat in the same manner I did that one time, ONE time. I am not sure he even knows what “punish” means, but he uses it correctly now.

And here is the moral of today’s story:
Never forget that you are being watched by your children at ALL times and, with time, they will mirror what you say and do. Be mindful of the way you treat not only your kids, but others as well. So, yeah, be more careful next time you talk to that damn cat, ok?

I cry happy tears

I think I cried for the first time today while watching my positively-parented kids interact with each other. And those were happy tears, believe me.

My 5 y/o daughter is sick today and is having a mild fever. She is in bed, and my 3 y/o son decides she is cold and starts looking for a blanket. Once she is safely tucked in, he decides to keep her even warmer by hugging her feet and promising that she wouldn’t get cold now that he is here to take care of her. At which point I feel I could actually cry. But then my daughter takes his hand and kisses it, just like that, without saying a word. I guess it was her way of thanking him.
And…tears alert, yep, I cried. I just couldn’t believe what I was witnessing.

Moral of the story: Never believe people who say we, positive parents, are raising spoiled selfish brats who will have no respect for anyone, will be unable to love anyone but themselves, and will probably end up in jail. If anything, we are raising the generation that will change the world for the better, and will bring more kindness and peace to those around them. Because this world could use a bit more love, don’t you think?