I have to admit that there were times when I felt a bit tired of my son needing me too much too often. Like when he would always want to be carried or needed to hold my hand. Or how he would make me drop everything and sit and cuddle with him after his every nap. You know, little things that are perfectly fine unless you are also trying to take care of another child, and/or catch up on some other things.
But I never realized that it wouldn’t be like this forever, and one day he would need me less. I didn’t realize it until a couple of days ago when he didn’t run to me after his nap to get his hug. And then on our walk he didn’t hold my hand, but walked in front of me. You’d think I would be happy, right? Instead, I wanted to cry, I felt so sad that he was getting older and needed me less now. Now every time he runs to me for that hug, or wants to hold my hand, I enjoy every second of it, because NOW I know it won’t last forever.
Photo: Paul Joseph (Flickr)
I am always confused when I hear how some people claim that spanking children works in their family and with their kids. Note, it workS, not it workED. Every time their kid does something, he/she gets a spanking. There, problem solved. Then a child does that something again, and he gets spanked again. Problem solved again, right? Well, actually, if you really, really open up your mind and try to think about it, no, problem isn’t solved, and it doesn’t work. If it worked, you wouldn’t need to spank your kid for the same thing over and over again. You know why? If it really worked, your kid would only do that something once or twice, and THEN the problem would be solved.
You know what works though? Not trying to threaten, intimidate, and physically hurt your kids as a way of trying to get them to listen to you, but actually trying to make sure they understand what you are trying to do here. And how do people understand you and feel like cooperating with you? They do when you are being understanding, respectful, calm, reasonable, setting age-appropriate expectations, and patient. Not easy, I know, but oh so effective. Much more effective than your regular spanking method. Don’t believe me? Try it. 🙂
Just saw some FOX News host repeatedly shake his belt in the faces of three experts sitting in his studio and trying to argue that spanking and hitting children is outdated, and modern parents should use more peaceful methods based on recent studies. And he just kept laughing and shaking his belt, and saying that he was spanked, beaten, punched in the face, etc., yet he is fine, not mentally scarred, and definitely has no problem with any parent doing what had been done to him. I was speechless. And shocked. Yes, shocked and speechless.
Just because something questionable had been done to you doesn’t mean it is right, and/or should be done to others. Is it clear? Continue reading
I hate “but”s in expressing love for children. There should be no “but”. You love your kids, it is unconditional, there are no deal-breakers and no rules that a child might break and lose his parent’s affection. Period.
Photo: Spirit-Fire (Flickr)
You have no idea how this brought back so many memories. Not very pleasant memories, too.
Here is the thing. My mom had short temper. She always lost it when I dropped or broke things by total accident. I was terrified of what would happen once something goes wrong and I am somehow involved. And this milk example? True story in my case, except with sour cream. I still remember it like it happened yesterday. I got a glass jar with sour cream out of the fridge, put it on the counter, and it fell. There was shattered glass and dairy all over the floor, and all I could think about was, “Oh my gosh, she’ll kill me now”. Not thinking of being careful trying not to get hurt on the glass, but actually terrified of my mom’s reaction. And of course she got furious and I was punished.
There were many other similar cases that I still remember quite clearly to this day, and they always involved me being scared, and I mean really scared, and then punished. I wish I’d remembered those accidents differently, or maybe hadn’t even remembered them at all.
Didn’t plan to revise any pro-spanking memes today, but was sent this new “gem” by a concerned peaceful parent, asking if anything could be done with it. I think that yes, something could and should be done with it. There are too many similar memes being shared with lots of laughter about “wonderful” childhood memories brought back in relation to these objects. Well, you know what? It is one thing to remember these often misused household items, and it is another thing to see them as something amusing and worth repeating with your own children in this day and age.
I know, I know, I said it a million times before, but I will say it again: TIMES CHANGED. Continue reading
There is one thing I don’t like hearing parents do to their kids. I hated it when I was a kid myself, I hate it now when I see it happen in public. You must know the routine. Little Johnny is asked to wrap it up an leave the playground, but he wants to play more. After a few unsuccessful attempts to convince Johnny to pay attention, the whole “I am going to count to 3 now” starts with an obligatory volume adjustment by going louder as numbers climb up. My mom used to do that, and it was terrifying. Intimidation and humiliation (if you’re in public) at its best.
When I had kids of my own I knew I was going to parent peacefully, and threatening kids with 1-2-3 wasn’t going to cut it because, honestly, what was I supposed to do when the counting was done and nothing changed? Spank them? Nope. Yell at them? Unlikely. Time-out? I don’t do that either. So, really, this wasn’t going to work for me for too many reasons. Continue reading
Time for another revised meme. This time something that has been around for a while, and is normally shared by well-meaning parents who truly believe that in order to be a good parent you need to be mean to your kids, and have them acknowledge their hate for you at least once in their lifetime, according to this meme anyway. Otherwise you failed them.
I have a problem with this approach to parenting. In fact, I have a HUGE problem with it. Times changed and we have lots of scientific proof stating that being a negative parent does more harm to children than good. Yes, our parents probably believed the things we now know are not necessarily true, but it doesn’t mean we have to keep believing them.
These are my thoughts every time I see parents being disrespectful and violent with their kids. I understand where they are coming from. They have been treated the exact same way when they, themselves, were kids. Most of them don’t even see anything wrong with their negative parenting style, they never stop and think that, maybe, this is not right. And some of them become very aggressive towards anyone suggesting that there are other ways of raising kids, more peaceful and humane ways. They have become their own childhood, and they feel comfortable this way. Sadly.
But then there are those who still remember the pain of being parented in this abusive manner, those who are scarred emotionally, and those who don’t want to put their children through the same nightmare they had to go through. These are the parents who break the cycle, make a conscious decision not to be slaves to their childhood memories anymore, and do everything they can not to repeat the same mistakes with their own children.
You can decide if you are becoming your childhood, or breaking this cycle of violence.
Photo: Matt Batchelor (Flickr)
When I was a kid I overheard a conversation my younger brother had with my mom…about me. They were in the next room, so I could still hear them. I guess my mom didn’t know that, and she chose to handle the situation the way she did, unfortunately for me. He asked her if she thought I was pretty. I guess he was very little then and didn’t have his opinion about things yet, so he asked a lot to learn about the world. Well, my mom did answer his question, but her answer haunts me even now. She paused for a second or two, I remember that, and then she told him that she thought I was…interesting.